a million miles

I've been crying all morning, missing you, knowing you're just blocks away and that you'd love nothing better in the world than for me to fly down the hill and burst in your door, saying, "let's go get breakfast," or, "let's make pancakes." The sun would come out and we'd sit cozy under your pretty wool blanket on your yellow sofa and laugh about things we read online. You'd tuck my toes under your leg and the day would stretch out before us, ours for every minute, and it would go by so fast. You'd try to make my every dream come true today and forever.

It would be so fun, but you wouldn't know how to meet the deep yearnings of my heart. You'd try as long as you had breath, but you'd mostly miss the mark because you don't know how to really know me. Because you aren't asking the one who made me. You haven't spent enough time with him to hear his quiet voice. You haven't surrendered, over and over until it stuck.

I long for you to make that million mile journey, to show up at my door saying, "I finally understand! My heart's broken open and His love has filled it!" But that would take a real miracle. It would take deep forgiveness and letting go of control, being needy. Then the real journey would begin...but maybe then we could do it all together. 

And so I keep crying, missing you.