Neverending Car Crash

I'm crying tonight because I'm lonely. So lonely. It came on like a car crash. I'd been driving along, thinking things were fine and then suddenly I'm a wreck. I realize in spite of the many great friendships I've had in my life, I can't think of one person I could call right now and just cry on the phone and they'd be available and know me well enough to help. People are too busy, too occupied by their own things, too distant, too inaccessible. I think that's part of why you and I make me so desperately sad. You are *right there* and want to be there for me all the time, but my hope of what we could be is getting smaller and smaller. The more I've tried to explain the depths of my heart and my faith, the conversations I want to have that actually lead to growth and understanding, the more odd and distorted our connection becomes, the less I feel I can trust you. Your responses show me you *don't* get it, our talks are disconnected and don't lead anywhere. So all the hope I had, the excitement about what we could be dies again and again. 

And how are we still stuck? Neither able to move, neither free. You choosing for the first time not to hang out with me this weekend has made me feel really alone. It's probably for the best, but it still hurts. Neither of us can tell if the other is coming or going. I'm terribly sorry for that. When I'm letting go, you're holding on, and when I'm holding on, you're letting go. I would understand if you were just so sick to death of the push and pull that you wanted nothing to do with me. That's how I feel about myself these days. I'm trying to tiptoe down the center line so I don't disrupt our fragile peace. 

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