Partygate

Hey. 

I can feel the anxiety creeping in as the night falls, but today was actually pretty good. I slept the night through, and I woke up to a good dream. I've been thanking God for the work he's doing in this situation and in me, as well as asking for help--what is the wisest, kindest thing to do? What work do *I* need to do in this area? What are my blind spots? 

And I believe he's given me some real glimmers of insight. I've had some important realizations about myself in conflict. I realized my knee-jerk reaction when I'm hurt is to point out how the other person has been inconsistent with what they hope to be or say they are, how they've failed, how they're to blame (lol! what a jerk! [that makes me]). Of course I can also see we're all that way--we fail all the time at being how we want to be, and it's not helpful AT ALL to bring it up then--it's not the point. I also focus so much on my own comfort in so many situations, how someone else hasn't paid attention to that. Oh dear! That's no one's responsibility to care for but my own. 

I wish I had held onto my complaint on Saturday and thought about it--thought about whether it was appropriate to bring up in that moment (or ever). I wanted to be honest and open, as I would be with any person I really care about, so we could work it out and move on, but I'm also (really slowly, UGH) learning that not all things are appropriate to share at all times. Not that the disappointment and hurt I was feeling in that moment wasn't true, but also, it wasn't a huge deal. And it wasn't your responsibility. It's true we may not have been on the same page about hanging out that night, and we may not agree on what made the most sense in that situation, but also that is normal and ok. We're different people driven by different things. I love how I've been able to understand a new perspective through you. 

I was most thrown because of how good things have seemed to be lately, and I really value that. I feel like we have been able to enjoy a peaceful, warm, beneficial relationship...valuing the other person's thoughts and perspective, sharing and helping each other in some ways but also with lots of space and freedom. Do you agree? Is there something we need to change or adjust? Do we need to step back some more? 

In the end, I was mostly hurt that you didn't respond to or acknowledge my apologies. That felt very raw and vulnerable without any acknowledgement. 

I saved an instagram reel about a guy who didn't take his girl's defensiveness and reactivity personally and stayed open, loved her through it, and I realized how much I yearn for that, surely we all do! I also realized I could choose to be that way too (duh). In spite of feeling [hurt, angry, whatever], I can be tender and patient; I can ask questions...do for others what I want them to do for me. That's what I believe real love is--how you choose to treat someone even when things aren't going your way. So, let me ask you, is there something I'm missing that's hurting you? What do we need to talk about? I'm listening.